


Leer

by ApolloBlackwood



Category: Persona 5
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mental Health Issues, No Persona 5: The Royal Spoilers, Persona 5 Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-23
Updated: 2020-05-23
Packaged: 2021-03-03 02:02:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,507
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24343222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ApolloBlackwood/pseuds/ApolloBlackwood
Summary: Do you know the feeling when you can't say the words you mean to say? They are there, in the back of your mind or on the tip of your tongue. But they remain unsaid. But maybe not everything has to be said ...
Relationships: Akechi Goro/Amamiya Ren, Akechi Goro/Persona 5 Protagonist
Kudos: 31





	Leer

**Author's Note:**

> Leer (ger.): empty

„What do you understand about pain? What the fuck could you understand about the way I feel?! You're so pretentious Joker, trying to fit into the group – no, trying to make me fit into your group!

I'm not one of your playthings. You're just collecting people who are suffering for your own well-being, do you not? I heard about people like you. You have to surround yourself with those who are in severe pain to remind yourself that you're alive and happy.

Or are you a masochist? Do you enjoy listening to other people's pain? Does it give you pleasure? Fuck, that's so fucked up. I hate you. Do you call the people around you friends? Is anyone really your friend?

(...)

Don't look at me like that. I hate the look in your eyes. Why are you doing this to me? You're supposed to hate me too, you're supposed to exclude me and kick me like everybody else did. Still does. What is wrong with you? What does this look in your eyes mean?

I don't need your pity! Stop extending your hand towards me, I will not take it! I don't need you in my life, just stop interacting with me!

You will leave like everybody else. Everybody abandons me once they realize who I am. Either I don't serve a purpose anymore and they will toss me away like an used unloved toy or they see the ugliness underneath my pleasant self and decide they don't want to deal with it. You will be in one of those two categories too, I know it.

Everybody is.

(...)

How much do you want me to kick you?! Should I go ahead and kill you another time? You won't survive it, Joker. I swear you won't survive it!

Stop smiling. Stop. You're doing it again. You're not taking me seriously. You probably think I'm joking …? I don't joke. I never joke! My life is joke enough as it is.

Look at me, look how pathetic I am. Look how I cry my heart out, to you of all people. Why do you make it so easy to empty out one's heart to you? Why do you not stand up for yourself at least once?

Why are you like this, Joker?"

Ren took off his glasses and rubbed over his eyes, still holding the phone tightly. When he agreed to video chat with Akechi tonight he had not expected this to get … so emotional. While the detective had been screaming and cursing at him through the screen Ren had settled with just listening, allowing Akechi to rant everything he had on his heart. It felt like an unspoken truth: nobody really listened to what Akechi said.

The real Akechi Goro.

During this rant the detective prince had leaned his phone against the wall and started walking up and down his apartment, waving his hands and pointing at the camera accusingly, sometimes shouting and something embracing himself with that sad look that he didn't show often. And now he was glaring daggers at the screen, waiting for a response. But Akechi was neither a fool nor someone Ren could answer like any other of his confidants – he must pick his answer with care.

„You know the answers to your questions, Goro", he said. He dropped himself onto his pillow and lifted his phone over his head, supporting his head with his free arm underneath. „You said a lot of things that are true. But sometimes you are very mistaken. You _are_ important to me, Goro."

„ _You are important to me, Goro"_ , Akechi repeated mockingly and his eyes grew cold. As long as he had been a part of the Phantom Thieves- no, even before that. As long as Ren knew Akechi he had always admired those eyes: the silent beauty, the expressiveness in them, the range from absolute hatred or hurt to kindness and empathy. The little sparkles in them when Goro succeeded in something or the sting of jealousy and defeat as well as fighting spirit when something was slightly off.

„Do you say that to everyone? Don't you make everyone believe that they're important to you? Isn't that exactly what you little group of delinquents try to market in this wide _rotten_ world? Hey look here, we are the defenders of justice, we can change your heart! Fucking bullshit!"

„Goro."

„Don't Goro me! I swear to fucking god I will-"

But what Akechi Goro would do Ren never got to hear because he terminated the call, swung his legs over the bed's edge and jumped up. It was his luck that Morgana was with Ann tonight so there was nobody to monitor him and remind him that he would definitely regret leaving Leblanc at this late hour (Ren knew it already without anyone telling him).

As he grabbed his bag and ran down the stairs he felt the angry buzzing of his phone and tossed it into his bag without checking the screen. It was obvious who was calling anyways. But picking up was no use either.

Ren was running all the way down to the train station and didn't stop until he reached the platform, his footsteps following the constant beat of his phone ringing.

* * *

_There are a couple of things I can't say out loud. It's not that any magic is holding me off and keeps me from talking. It's not that I don't know how to say those things in theory – I have read enough books and watched enough movies to know them. But the truth is that I'm far from perfect. I make mistakes. But more importantly, I am weak._

_Maybe you have a point when you say that I need the Phantom Thieves to feel. Maybe you are correct to say that I'm broken and need the others' pain to make myself feel sane. But I also know that others need me._

_We need each other._

_Goro, have you ever heard me talk about my feelings? What do you know about me? Nothing, right?_

* * *

Ren knocked at the door. His phone had long gone silent but he knew that Akechi would not sleep yet. Not with the pile of anger and hurt he had unloaded tonight.

Nobody opened the door and Ren knocked again, rhythmically. Three short knocks. Three with breaks inbetween. Knock. Knock. Knock.

„Morse code. Really." As Akechi opened the door with a jerk Ren still had his hand raised to continue what he was doing. He opened the fist into a half-shrug and let his arm sink down again.

„I figured you'd want to talk this out in person", he said.

„You assumed. Again. I don't want to talk to you." Akechi was about to slam the door shut but Ren pulled out his phone with a quick motion and turned over the display for Akechi to see, showing the amount of unread messages and missed calls that had accumulated in the course of his train drive here. Seeing the absurdely high amount of those Akechi's eyes narrowed and he froze.

They stared at each other for a breath. Akechi obviously got the message.

„You don't wear your glasses", he said.

„I'm not blind. I just don't see very well." Ren gently pushed the door open and entered Akechi's apartment, brushing past the detective deliberately. Their shoulders only touched slightly but it was a pleasant feeling to Ren that the detective did not flinch back like usually.

„You know that this is not a wise idea", Akechi tried again but seeing that Ren only shrugged he shut the door after all. It fell into the lock with a soft click. Completely opposite to the yelling that had taken place not even half an hour ago. „I hate you", Akechi added.

„I know."

„Why does it let you cold? Are you insane? Or are you just plain stupid?" Goro crossed his arms in front of his chest. He didn't avert his gaze from Ren, who was turning around his own axis to inspect the apartment's interior. He had been here quite a few times already but everytime he came back he either noticed new details or the myriad of changes that seemed to occur daily. Goro kept adding things onto cupboards and made decoration simply disappear. As if they never existed in the first place.

Tonight, the apartment was especially empty.

„Where have you put your things?", Ren asked. He put down his bag next to the low glass table in the middle of a soft carpet.

„Into the trash where it belongs. I don't need those extras."

„You're on edge. Why?" Ren dropped into the creme colored couch and sank into the row of pillows on it. He extended his arms left and right and directed his gaze at Akechi, who still stood by the entrance, his posture the same as before. His mouth twitched in anger but he didn't answer.

„It's the same as via video chat, no? You threatened to do some nasty stuff to me, Goro. Go ahead. We two are alone here."

„Tsk. You _are_ stupid." Akechi moved. His hands clenched into fists he went to the rich colored bureau that must have been supporting his phone during their video chat earlier. He leaned against it. Ren could tell that he was cautious, maybe also unsure what to make of this situation.

„I want to quit. I want to quit the Phantom Thieves. I don't want to be associated with your trash anymore. I don't want to be part of your machinations. I am fine by myself. I always used to do this on my own and I can continue on this path. Stop contacting me. Don't ask for my help again. Just break off all contact." His fingers closed around the bureau's edge.

Ren sat up from his comfortable position and supported his elbows on his knees, intertwining his fingers together. His face sometimes seemed emotionless but it was easier to tell without his glasses that hid his eyes that he was very serious.

„You reached out first. Now you're part of us and there's no turning back, Goro."

„THERE'S NO TURNING BACK?!", Goro fumed and lunged forward, closing half the distance between Ren and him in one jump. His eyes were spewing fire. „Are you fucking MENTAL? I TOLD YOU THAT I DON'T WANT TO BE ASSOCIATED WITH ATTIC TRASH LIKE YOU! I DON'T-"

While he was talking Ren moved and bridged the remaining distance between them. Akechi broke off when Ren unexpectedly tugged him into a tight embrace, more surprised than anything, his anger momentarily forgotten. He just stood there straightly, his arms hanging left and right of him, eyes widened.

„You can't leave. It would mean to abandon you", Ren said against Akechi's hair but what he meant to say were other words.

* * *

_What am I going to do without you? Are you going to leave me alone with the rest of Phantom Thieves? Don't you know that I feel most free when I'm with you, Goro? You are the only one who actively listens to me. You understand me, you are supporting me and with you I can feel at ease. How can I explain what we have, Goro? How do you expect me to live without this? Do you really want to leave?_

* * *

„So what if you abandoned me." Goro pushed Ren away at a hand's length. Gone was the anger he had felt a moment ago. But there were a couple of new feelings in Ren's eyes, feelings Goro didn't know how to understand. Oh so often Ren's feelings were hidden away. He didn't dare to show them to the world. Some might say had roles to fulfill. But wasn't he in fact scared of the things he felt? Scared to show vulnerability? Maybe scared to get rejected? And so he prefered to bury them deep inside or hide those feelings behind the reflection of his glasses.

But he did not wear his glasses now. And Goro could directly see his own feelings reflect in Ren's eyes.

„Why do you care so much." Goro let his hand sink. Ren and he stood on the carpet, trembling, Ren with his head inclined and Goro staring at him.

What Akechi was saying weren't actual questions even though they were formulated as such. He drew in a shaky breath.

„I hate what you're doing, Ren. Why are you doing this to me? I was okay before you came along. I was okay with being left alone. I was okay with my path of revenge. Who are you to come and tell me that we can do it together? Who are you to make me doubt myself? I am strong. I don't need anybody. I only live for killing Shido and after that I can die. I can just die."

„No you cannot!" Ren's head whipped up and Goro's eyes widened. The shout was louder than when Goro was screaming earlier. He didn't expect to see clenched fists and the endless hurt in Ren's eyes either. Now it was Ren, who was glaring daggers at Goro, his voice trembling. „Why do you always have to talk shit about yourself? You are an amazing person, Goro but fuck your attitude! I told you we will stand through this together and I will not go against this promise!"

His head dropped. He hid behind his hair again. But he could not hide the tone of his voice. "Just. Just be there for me like I am for you and we will be okay."

* * *

_I don't want to be without you. I can't be without you. How can you talk about leaving me behind? Do I not mean anything to you?_

* * *

Goro was never in a situation like this. Reluctantly he took a step forward and lifted his arms but he didn't know if it was okay to embrace Ren.

Ren's shoulders were twitching. „I don't understand your pain, you are correct. How can I understand it?", he asked.

„Ren ..."

„But Goro, stop pushing me away. You say you can't take this hand? Then don't take it. Let me hold your hand instead. I will not let go. I will never let go." Ren lifted his head and looked into those beautiful eyes that were so close to his. He reached for Goro's hands and took them into his, closing his fingers around them even though they didn't hold him back.

„I can't", Goro whispered. He was almost inaudible. „I'm … I'm not okay."

„I know", Ren answered earnestly. „I know, Goro. I'm not okay too. But we can work out. We can do it together. Let me fix us. Let us try."

„I hate you", Goro whispered and averted his gaze but there was only endless sadness in these words. It held so many fragments of pain, so many layers that were Goro Akechi, so much that he too could not say out loud.

But he knew one truth.

He also hated that he hated Ren.


End file.
